clementineford:

Nationals Senate leader Barnaby Joyce said his four daughters would be affected if same sex marriage was allowed.

“We know that the best protection for those girls is that they get themselves into a secure relationship with a loving husband and I want that to happen for them.

“I don’t want any legislator to take that right away from me.”

Barnaby Joyce is no stranger to perplexing the nation. His career has been plagued by gaffes, most usually due to his complete inability to master the use of human logic and/or the English language.

At times, we’ve been left to wonder if he’s some kind of postmodern court jester, employed by the Coalition to endear them to the nation - a sort of nudge, nudge, wink, wink, yes I know 87% of our sitting members are here on a sabbatical from Satan’s service, but we’re not all succubi and old men in bad ties. 

The above statement on gay marriage is particularly head scratching though. Apart from the whole dystopian apocalyptic feel it’s got going on, it seems out there even for Barnaby. It’s like he parsed his thoughts through the that.can.be/my/next/tweet website and they came out insane.

Anyway, I had a bit of a think about it, and these are the possible interpretations I could come up with.

POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY BARNABY JOYCE THINKS HIS DAUGHTERS NEED TO BE PROTECTED FROM GAY MARRIAGE

1. Barnaby Joyce’s brainwaves look a bit like what happens when you rub a balloon on the head of a semi bald man and then hold it three inches away, leaving the strands waggling in the ether. Information enters Barnaby’s head and is immediately, compulsorily blindfolded by the gargoyles that operate the levers of his control panel. Navigating this would be difficult enough on its own without having to contend with the power outages that occur every 20 minutes when Barnaby needs to recharge his brain. 

So I can only presume that this is what was happening the precise moment Barnaby first heard tell of a strange concept called ‘gay marriage’ (or poofter weddings, or lesbo fests WHO DECIDES WHO’S THE MAN AND WHO’S THE SHEILA AMIRITE?!) He heard the words, but somewhere through the intense obstacle course of cerebral understanding, it translated into an either/or situation. End result:

Barnaby: But, everyone knows there’s only one kind of marriage. So…if we allow gay marriage then….STRAIGHT MARRIAGE WILL BECOME ILLEGAL. And if straight marriage is ILLEGAL, how will my four daughters be able to seek protection in the arms of a loving husband?

Conclusion: Barnaby thinks that gay marriage will replace straight marriage. Because people who revel in enjoying privilege over others generally understand the extension of those rights to everyone as meaning a removal of that privilege from them.

2. Barnaby has been so convinced by the Australian Christian Lobby’s belief that gay people are out to destroy the very fabric of society that he thinks the legalisation of gay marriage will signal the end of the world as we know it ie by heralding in an age of Greens run government and poofy policies that stop decent, hard working Australians from rolling around in carbon and setting their farts on fire, which is their GOD GIVEN RIGHT. But not only will it signal the end of the world, it will also result in these evil overlords FORCING innocent, unmarried young heterosexuals into homosexual liaisons against their will. 

Barnaby: If we legalise gay marriage - and frankly, even saying the words makes me want to vomit - then my poor little girls are going to be kidnapped by the Four Horseface Butchgirlmen of the Dykopalypse and spirited away to a disgusting sapphic nightmare in which they’ll be forced to do things like scissor kick and talk about patriarchal hegemonies AND I WILL NOT HAVE THAT!

Conclusion: Barnaby probably also considers Buffy the Vampire Slayer to be a documentary. 

3. Now, it’s very easy to make fun of Barnaby because of his unexplained intellectual disability, but I actually think we’re missing some very vital semantics here.

Specifically, Barnaby says “We know that the best protection for those girls is that they get themselves into a secure relationship with a loving husband and I want that to happen for them”.

I think what Barnaby’s saying here isn’t that ALL young girls need to find protection in the arms of a loving husband, but specifically THOSE girls. Specifically, Barnaby is acknowledging that the best protection each of his daughters has against having their view of men completely tainted by the erratic and illogical mutterings of their father is that they get themselves into a secure and loving relationship with a normal man.

Essentially, Barnaby is appealing to the public legislature to allow his daughters access to a normal life. A life free of the shackles of a man whose mind has been ripped apart and thrust back together. If he were a wizard (and it’s not out of the realm of possibility, at least in his mind) he’d probably be instituted in a ward at St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries with an irreversible infestation of the wrackspurts. He wants normality for his girls. Not this life of uncertainty, beholden to a man whose mind could, at any moment, snap once and for all.

Barnaby: Rabbits are cute. With their little floppy ears and wee little noses. [snap] Where’s the blossom pot mummy? [snap] Why am I on the TV? Why’s this microphone in my face? Who’s that knob with the big ears standing next to me? [snap] Must. Protect. Daughters. [snap] I like corn, but I love steak.

Conclusion: In his lucid moments, Barnaby is actually a model of selflessness. He understands his dysfunction, and he wants better for his girls. He is the Sidney Carton of our times. 

4. Barnaby is an elaborate construct designed by the gnomes who dismantle our world and put it back together every second. Basically, he represents chaos in an otherwise ordered existence. He’s the spanner in the works, the fly in the ointment. He is the ultimate paradox, the clue to our existence and the key that will unlock this level of the game and lead us to the next. He is the beginning of the world, and the end and he will both save and destroy us. 

Barnaby: 01001001/0100000101101101/010011100110010101101111

Conclusion: If Barnaby is the answer, we’re either very, very fucked or we’re not taking enough drugs. 

Could never possibly say this better. This is sterling work.

(via auspolitics)