I was having an email conversation about movies with a good friend recently, and in the course of the discussion we hit upon an interesting theoretical conundrum: if Bill & Ted (of Excellent Adventure and Bogus Journey fame) had come into being now instead of 20+ years ago (oh God I am so OLD), would they simply have been Guitar Hero addicts and spent their high-school years on the couch rather than trying to form a band of their own, thus denying themselves their chance to pass history class and make the world (or at least California) a better place?

We realised that this one question opened up a whole world of similar problems.  Simply put, could the storylines of some of the best-loved movies of the 1980s even be contemplated in the world as we know it today?

You don’t need much of a grasp on current events to know that the world has changed a hell of a lot in the last 20 years or so, mostly for the worse.  The more my friend and I unravelled the thread of the discussion, the more depressing the overall scenario became.  Let’s take a look at how the entire premise of a classic 80s movie can be completely negated simply by transplanting it into a present-day context:

First up, if Ferris Bueller tried to take a day off in 2011 by the same method he used in 1986, he would be charged with computer crimes for hacking into the school’s network and subsequently sent to prison for at least five years. Upon his release he would be offered a plum job at Google, where his indulgent lifestyle would no longer be an act of rebellion against a childish and stupid system, but a normal part of his well-paid everyday corporate life.  I can’t see that being as successful a movie, can you?  Moving on…

The Breakfast Club wouldn’t even show up on that fateful Saturday - in 2011, they would instead sue the high school for harassment and victimisation.  The way the legal system “works” these days, not only would they get out of detention, they would probably win substantial financial compensation from the school, get the principal fired, and consequently they would never have to learn a single damn thing about life, themselves, or eachother.

In the post 9/11 world, the problem of getting Back to the Future wouldn’t come up for Marty McFly - Doc Brown would never get the chance to build his time machine, as he would be far too busy being executed for treason under the Patriot Act after colluding with Libyan terrorists to illegally import weapons-grade plutonium into the United States.  Marty himself would end up flunking out of high-school and ekeing out a meagre existence playing Huey Lewis covers in third-rate bars.

Those loveable scamps The Goonies would never make it out of the house in 2011… or rather, they would never make it out of their respective houses, because their parents would NEVER leave them alone for a second.  That is, of course, if the kids are even allowed to hang out together at all, due to at least some of them being labelled by the PTA as ‘bad influences’.  Mikey would be in therapy, both Chunk and Data would be too full of Ritalin to care, and Sloth would be shot on sight.

Now, that noise you can all hear at this moment is the sound of your beloved memories of these films screaming in agony as they are mercilessly ripped to shreds by the cold, heartless wheat-thresher that is 21st Century reality.  Make no mistake here, I’m in as much pain as you are - I think it’s a sad indictment on today’s society that what was once pure, innocent and good fun in cinematic storytelling is now corrupted, reviled and unthinkable.  Seems to me that kids just can’t be kids anymore, young people are not allowed to dream, discover or be themselves, or even learn how to cope on their own in the world.

I’m fully aware of the fact that much of what I’m writing here is going to make me sound like I’m some cranky old bastard, yearning for “the good old days”, but frankly, I don’t care.  The good old days were good.  We had good things back then.  We have far fewer good things now, and I think we’re the poorer for it.  To really earn that cranky old bastard title, I have to say that when it comes to movies for kids and young people to enjoy, they just don’t make ‘em like they used to. What I’ve outlined above is only the tip of the iceberg, and I’m sorry to say it only gets worse from here on in.  To summarise, in 2011:

• The kids from Weird Science would just be downloading porn off the net and consequently would never even dream of “creating” anything, least of all Kelly le Brock (these days it would be Angelina Jolie… actually, now that I think about it, you can’t deny there’s a bit of a resemblance happening there…).

• The boys from Stand By Me would (individually) look up images of a corpse on the internet rather than make a journey of self-discovery and brotherhood.

• Rather than venturing into The Neverending Story to escape his problems, Bastian would probably spend hours upon hours locked in his room playing World of Warcraft instead. Moonchild? Who’s that?  What guild is she in?

• The kid from Flight of the Navigator would be dissected by the Feds and would never see his family again (same goes for Eliot from E.T, plus his family, and all his friends… note to S. Spielberg - cops carry GUNS.  BIG F’ING GUNS. WALKIE TALKIES GET LEFT IN THE CAR, EVEN IN 1982.)

• The Boy Who Could Fly would be so doped up on medication the whole time he would never even get out of bed, let alone make it to the windowsill.

• After being left Home Alone, Kevin McAllister would be removed by the State and placed into foster care before his mother even managed to turn around.

• D.A.R.Y.L. would be charged with domestic terrorism for stealing a Lockheed Blackbird (and crashing it as well, if memory serves)… and I don’t even want to think about what would happen to Matthew Broderick’s character in War Games.  The words “orange jumpsuit” sum it up pretty effectively, I think. 

And finally, and perhaps most upsettingly…

• Daniel LaRusso wouldn’t bother to learn karate, he would launch legal action against the school and the Cobra Kai karate club for bullying and physical assault, win the lawsuit, be awarded damages, and become more of a social pariah than he is already. Either that, or Mr Miyagi would be arrested for suspected pederasty.

I think you’ll agree, the very idea of most of these scenarios is simply too horrifying to even consider.  Without wanting to seem overly nostalgic, a lot of people who grew up in the era of these films know and love them, and see them as a strong reflection of their time.  Yet this is the world we live in now - a world where nothing holds any mystery or fascination anymore, a world where most people are too lazy to look for answers beyond the dull pages of Wikipedia. This is a world of paranoia and control, where creative energy is diagnosed as ADD, and the sanctity of childhood is fiercely guarded by terrified parents and governments, keeping it well insulated from all the things that might make it the growing experience it should be.  This is a world where everything is possible but nothing is allowed.  This is a world of unending war and rampant militarism.  This is a world where homogeneity triumphs over individuality.  This is a world where the High School Musical movies make millions upon millions of dollars.

Maybe it will still turn around, but right now, this is a world I don’t feel overly comfortable living in.